Due to the shocking business practices of an obscenity known as “Groupon”—contemptible even by the nearly non-existent standards of the modern corporation—I can no longer afford to sell waffles for $8.00 and still pay, for example, my employees something north of a subsistence wage.
Therefore, starting now,
waffles are $450.00 each
and are available by appointment only.
For more info, go to backalleywaffles.com.
Grouponistas, sorry, but I'd rather have my hand slammed in a car door than honor your Groupon coupons. You'll have to seek refunds from your new insect overlords. If you act quickly, you should get your money back by Christmas. 2015.
Here's our Groupon story:
Groupon promises to send you lots of new customers. The customers buy 50% off coupons (two waffles for the price of one, for example). They send the money to Groupon, which issues them a code. The customer brings the code into the shop. The shop gives the customer the two waffles, collects the code, and then "redeems", or verifies, the code with Groupon.
Does Groupon then electronically deposit the money that the customer paid them for the coupon into the business' bank account overnight like credit card companies do? No. After taking a big chunk of the money as its share, Groupon holds on to the business' share, using it while the business waits. And waits. And waits. And waits.
After about a month, Groupon issues the first of three payments to the business. By check. Then it has to "process" the check, which can take up to ten days. Then it snail mails the check. A month later, the process is repeated for your next installment. Then, a month later, the process is repeated again for your final installment.
Now, keep in mind, the bulk of the Groupon activity (i.e., the big surge in customers) occurs at the outset of the Groupon campaign. That means the business has to lay out all the money (in our case food and labor) up front to service this expensive campaign, but it takes roughly a month for Groupon to send the (deeply discounted) payment for the waffles those customers ate. And even then its only half or less of what is owed. The business has to wait for most of the remainder of its money until two months after laying out the cost of the food and labor. And for some of the money, it will be three months after honoring the customer's Groupon coupon in the shop before the business is paid for that customer.
That's the part that I didn't expect and the part that put our new business out of busniness.
FOR MORE ON GROUPON
"Groupon needs to become less money-hungry and more money-savvy when it comes to attracting merchants as well as customers. For Groupon, saving money must become more than just a corporate slogan."